Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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