How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
