Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
