he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
