I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
