I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
