Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Nicole vs. Life
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
