remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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