My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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