Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
