Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
