I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
you will always have a special place in my vag
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
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