I think my fart just growled at me.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
