I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
time to smoke my breakfast
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Randomize
