I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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