hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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