My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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