Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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