Got a toothbrush?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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