Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
