you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
