why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
