You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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