the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
