I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
