sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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