turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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