considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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