My Higher Power is John Stamos
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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