Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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