maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
My penis needs a shock collar
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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