I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
