Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Randomize
