I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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