dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
