Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
