well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
