Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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