tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize