he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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