There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
