y did u give ur computer a hand job?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
