I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
