I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
