I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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