You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
