I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
