I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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