That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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