Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
