Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
