if only i could text you this smell
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
