meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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