We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize