Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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