don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
