Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
