Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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