i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
