OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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