If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
