He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
