Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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