I met the friendliest cop last night
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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